happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
