Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish life had little blips of pornography
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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