420 ftw
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize