I wish I could punch you in the face.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
