If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
