Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
