Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
