It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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