I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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