You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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