a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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