I cannot find my penis.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
