Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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