I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
