His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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