just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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