Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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