The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
