Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
