Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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