Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
