dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Two words: nipple clamps
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