well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
