Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
