Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
