So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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