i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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