I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
