Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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