normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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