Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
