why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
