On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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