god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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