They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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