You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
