So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
