Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
