Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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