My brain says no but my pants say off.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My bed smells like the plague
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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