Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
