This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
