the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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