one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
