If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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