Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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