so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
