Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
