Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
