I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
