He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
