The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
