dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize