Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
