Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
