remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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