Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize