Yo dont text me then not text me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
