Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
