that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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