you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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