i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i barfeds in our rink
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize