eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
